Tuesday, June 13, 2006

 

The Adoration

 
May 27th, 2006, 12:00 Noon GMT
Greetings, people of Earth! I am Xenoth, high commander of the Korgill Federation. We have traveled many of your “light years” to deliver tidings of great joy. For behold: Your planet has produced the Lightbringer, the creature of utmost perfection, destined to bring salvation to the galaxy.

For eons beyond your counting, my people have shepherded your world preparing for this great day. We stoked the tidal pools, coaxed fish onto land, redirected meteors to wipe clean our errors. Later, working more subtly, we brought shape to your civilizations—raising nations, merging bloodlines, preparing the way for the Lightbringer.

And now she is here. Look in yourselves, and you know of whom we speak: Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, daughter of the woman Jolie and the man Pitt.

In your primitive way, you have recognized their proto-perfection. They have, rightfully, fascinated you. But that is only a shadow of what is to come.

The Lightbringer’s powers will eclipse even our own. She will raise up all that is good. She will scatter the darkness. She will lead the galaxy into a golden age of peace, wisdom and joy.

And now we have come for Her. We will bring Her back to our planet, to be prepared for Her extraordinary destiny.

For only on our world can we guard against the forces of darkness that even now gather around Her. We have destroyed the one you call “Aniston.” We have destroyed her forces, the “Team Aniston.” Our people abhor violence, but we do not apologize for obliterating those would have disrupted the merger of the two Great Bloodlines.

We regret only our accidental destruction of your Vince Vaughn. Know that he played no part in this conflict, and that we on my planet enjoyed him greatly in Swingers.

We now end our communication. Produce the Child and we will leave you to your future.

May 27, 2006, 8:52 PM GMT
Earthlings, your replies vex us. Yes, our sensors are somehow unable to pinpoint Her location. And the parents, perhaps sensing our arrival, have hidden in the sparsely developed landmass you call “Africa.” But some among your political leaders must know of their location. Produce Her immediately. The golden age will not be delayed.

May 28, 2006, 6:07 GMT
Earth-creatures, this “compromise” you offer insults us. We have no need of, nor desire for, the Federline child. Deliver the Lightbringer or face our wrath.

May 28, 2006, 12:00 Noon GMT
As we have said, we are a peaceful people. But the good of the universe will not be thwarted by the stubbornness of a few primitives. Your time is up. We now demonstrate our resolve in fire.

May 28, 2006, 12:04 PM GMT
People of Earth: As we have destroyed your sensor systems, you are no doubt in the dark about the events of the past moments. Let us explain.

Our ships launched a full complement of photonic missiles toward your great cities. We tracked them as they flew, stopped, turned off course. They converged, hovering over a single point on your African continent. Then…nothing. No explosion, no disintegration, not even a flash of light.

We know too well what we are up against. We will return home.

But we leave with a warning. You do not know the power that sleeps among you. She can do great good. But She can unleash great evil as well. We tell you now: Do not neglect Her. Do not ignore Her. Lavish attention on Her always. Tell stories of Her, and publish them unendingly. Photograph Her, and spread Her image everywhere. Neglect your own children. Neglect yourselves. Treat Her as the most important being in the entire universe.

May Shiloh have mercy on us all.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

 

Daddy’s Reasons Why Not

20 reasons I said "no" to my three-year-old daughter

1. Because it has a teeny tiny chip that makes animal noises, and I have enough pain in my life.
2. Because your mother, your grandparents and the government all know exactly how many children we have. And if that number changes—even by one—there will be difficult, difficult questions.
3. Because no measurable amount of time has elapsed since the last time you asked.
4. See #3.
5. See #3.
6. See #3.
7. Because if I listen your sing-along CD one more time, I will never again feel joy.
8. Because, while I would gladly take a bullet for you, I will not unhook my seat belt, hang out the car door and somehow jump back in through your window just to pick your stuffed kitty-cat off the floor.
9. Because diaper-changing, like heart surgery, is a task best performed all in one go. Without stopping for juice boxes.
10. Because naps are nature’s way of preventing infanticide.
11. Because the dogs have crapped there. And although my role as father can sometimes be confusing, I know that a key part of that responsibility is keeping shit off of you.
12. Because my name is not “Rockefeller.”
13. Or “Wallenda.”
14. Or “Skywalker.”
15. Because you’re not the one who’s going to have to change the litter box. Assuming that’s even what a giraffe uses.
16. Because if I don’t complete one action, no matter how inconsequential, I will lose all contact with my physical environment and go flying out into space.
17. Because at 4 in the morning—and let’s be frank here—I do not care where your purple bunny is.
18. Because the Learning Channel says that’s a precursor to serial killing.
19. Because I’ve already said “no.” And I’m afraid if I reverse myself, it will set off a chain of events that will culminate, 16 years from now, in you “Going Wild.”
20. Because, while you may think the alternative is for me to say “yes,” the actual alternative is me sticking my face in yours and screaming, “STOP SUCKING THE LIFE FORCE OUT OF ME!”
21. Because I love you. No, really. I’m sorry about the “life force” thing. I don’t know why I said it. I love you. OK…OK. Yes. Yes! Do you hear me? Daddy said yes.

Friday, May 19, 2006

 

BUSH DEPLOYS NATIONAL GUARD TO “PANDER TO THE BASE”

In a prime-time address to the nation last night, President Bush ordered 6,000 National Guard troops to hard-core Republican households across the United States, where they will “pander, using all the resources and skills at their disposal, to America’s Republican base.”

“If they need their cars washed, they will wash them,” the president said. “If they need their houses painted, they will paint them,” adding, “Seriously. Windows, trim, everything. Whatever it takes.”

Seeking to reassure the country in the wake of his falling poll numbers, the president vowed, “Working together, we will restore the frothing, unquestioning loyalty that was once the hallmark of all true Americans.”

Deployment for “Operation Monica” began immediately, with units scheduled for duty in Iraq loaded onto buses bound for small towns in states like Alabama, Texas and Idaho. Once there, the troops will be assigned to individual right-wing loyalists, for missions ranging from home improvement to light housework and babysitting.

“I’m getting a new patio,” said James Thompson of Greenborough, Alabama, a part-time mechanic and administrator of the southernpatriot.com online bulletin board. “I was mad at Bush after the whole immigration thing, but I’m 100% back on board now.

“You see how he cares about ordinary Americans?” Thompson said, motioning to the soldiers unloading paving stones from a National Guard truck, “You think the Dixie Chicks are going to give me a patio? Hell no!”

For Susan DeGroot of Landsville, Texas, the troop redeployment means more free time.

“Lieutenant Warren there’s going to be driving the car pool for a few months,” said the former president of “Texas Moms for Terri.” “Now I can get started writing more letters about the gay marriage. Senator Frist went weak-kneed before, but this time he’s come through for us.”

Not everyone in the base is pleased. Jeff Wilson, a Minuteman in the small border town of Jefferson, Arizona thinks Bush’s actions are too little, too late.

“I need a second story on my house,” he said, motioning at the two guardsmen measuring his roof, “and look at what they sent me. We need a full platoon, minimum. They’re trying to do this on the cheap. It’s the politicians making all the decisions, and the military don’t get what they need to get the job done.”

He spit on the ground near a small jockey statue. “It’s Vietnam all over again,” he said.

In Washington, Senator Hillary Clinton dismissed the program as expensive and unworkable, saying, “The American people will not be fooled by this transparent, politically-motivated misuse of American troops.”

Then, eyeing a reporter nervously, she added, “Right?”

However, some experts had praise for the plan.

“This is a program designed to help 35, maybe 40 percent of Americans,” said Alan Garner, professor of public affairs at Missouri State University. “For this administration, that’s got to be some kind of a record.”

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